


Devout Catholic

by AcesOfSpade



Series: Multifandom Coming Out [8]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Pining, Sexuality Crisis, bi!Foggy, gay!Matt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 19:04:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12019077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcesOfSpade/pseuds/AcesOfSpade
Summary: Matt’s devout Catholiscism was no secret. He went to church every Sunday morning, prayed before every meal, the whole deal. This was instilled in him from his time in St. Agnes’, and carried over honestly into his adulthood.This strong devotion to God leads Matt down a seven-year-long denial of his sexual orientation, which throws a few (dozen) wrenches into his inner workings.





	Devout Catholic

**Author's Note:**

> I marathon wrote this in about an hour. Oops.

Matt’s devout Catholiscism was no secret. He went to church every Sunday morning, prayed before every meal, the whole deal. This was instilled in him from his time in St. Agnes’, and carried over honestly into his adulthood.

 

Part of Matt felt like he was disappointing his God. He was 16 years old, he was a good kid, he really was. But while the other boys in the orphanage talked about the girls in such fascinated and enthralled voices, Matt just... _couldn’t_. Not just because he couldn’t see how (allegedly) pretty the girls were, but because he just _didn’t think like that._ Girls treated him like a glass doll, like a playtoy they could break. He’d tried dating, just to convince himself he did like girls, but all his relationships ended for the same reason: Matt didn’t _like_ them the way they liked him. He’d been called handsome by numerous girls, but he never believed them. It sounded forced to his well-trained ears, as if they were trying to charm their way into his good graces. His first kiss when he was 14 felt _awful_. He didn’t say anything to the girl, didn’t talk to her much at all actually, and they’d sort of... stopped completely afterwards. She knew he didn’t like her like that, and she backed off.

 

At 16, even when living in a Catholic orphanage, teenagers were bound to be, well, teenagers. One evening, when the nuns foolishly left the kids to their own devices, the girls had convinced everyone to play a game of ‘spin the bottle’. Matt was already at a disadvantage, not being able to see the bottle, but he agreed out of peer pressure. He sat cross-legged in a circle with the rest of the kids, hands nervously balled in fists in his lap.

 

Cynthia went first. She’d dug out an empty bottle from the recycling, placing it in the centre of the circle and spinning it. The other kids, sans Matt, whooped and whistled because of where it landed. It had apparently landed on another of the girls, though both Cynthia and the other girl declined.

 

From there, many of the other girls and boys shared quick kisses with each other. When it was Matt’s turn, he’d somehow not been kissed yet, which was making his heart race awkwardly. Someone guided his hand to the bottle, which he spun nervously.

 

“It landed on Carter,” someone told him. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to; we wouldn’t want you to be condemned,” they added sincerely. Most of the other kids had backed out of similar kisses on the same principle, because the nuns were very strongly against same-sex relationships.

 

In a rare display of rebellion, Matt just shrugged. “I’ll do it,” he said casually, though his heart was hammering in his chest. Oh gosh, what was he getting himself into? “Only if Carter wants to, that is!” he added quickly, sweat forming on his brow.

 

“Whatever,” Carter shrugged, seeming much less nervous than Matt. His heartbeat was even, no scent of sweat on his bdy. How could he be so calm about all of this? Matt didn’t have much time to think about it before Carter scooted over and pressed a quick kiss to his lips before backing off back to his spot. A surprised murmur arose from the other kids, and the game dissolved after.

 

As the other kids wandered off, Matt and Carter stayed where they were. Carter was glancing up at Matt every so often, shifting his gaze away from his lap, while Matt was just awkwardly staring forward, his cane grasped tightly in his hands.

 

“So...” Matt muttered, knowing Carter was still in the room.

 

“So...” Carter muttered back, settling his gaze on Matt. “Sorry?” he added awkwardly. “I-I’ve wanted to do that since we were 14...” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. Carter had been at the orphanage longer than Matt, who’d been taken in when he was 11. Carter was also Matt’s age, which was why they were okay friends.

 

“Oh. Um...” Matt blinked behind his glasses, gripping his can even tighter. “I-I didn’t... didn’t hate it,” he admitted softly, biting his lip nerovusly.

 

“No?” Carter blinked in surprise. Matt just shook his head. “Could... Could I do it again?” he asked softly, hopefully.

 

Matt found himself nodding, though he wasn’t sure why. “Yeah,” he whispered. Carter came closer, pressing another feather-light kiss to Matt’s lips. Matt didn’t know how to react, but he wasn’t as tense as he was before.

 

After that day, Matt and Carter exchanged quick kisses and fleeting touches whenever no one was looking. If Matt would ever admit it to himself, Carter was his first boyfriend. He denied it right up until Carter’s 18th birthday, when he was sent to live on his own because he aged out. Matt also wouldn’t admit that he was heartbroken when Carter had to leave. Matt tried to contact him after his 18th birthday, but it seemed he’d moved out of town.

 

Matt didn’t have time to really reflect on his relationship with Carter, as he threw himself into school to distract himself. He spared no fleeting thought to the obvious aspect of himself Carter had helped him realize, instead focusing on getting into law school.

 

His system worked up until he walked into his dorm room at Columbia and heard his roommate’s voice for the first time. It was rich and gentle, like caramel. The more Matt got to know him, the more he loved the sound of Foggy’s voice.

 

One night, after a particularly stressful test, Matt was sitting cross-legged on his bed, glasses somewhere near him and face in his hands. Part of the test included same-sex relationship laws, which had finally set Matt off to think about his feelings.

 

That night, at 23 years old, Matt finally let himself accept that he was gay.

 

He’d denied it for seven years, squashed away the thought with a guilty feeling. Even after kissing Carter for the first time, and as many times as he could in the next two years, Matt hadn’t accepted his homosexuality. He kept telling himself it was a phase, that he’d grow out of it in college and meet a nice girl that he’d fall for. Instead, he met Foggy. Bright, cheerful, _wonderful_ Foggy.

 

The test didn’t help anything, making things worse instead. After that test, Matt became hyperaware of his interactions with not only Foggy, but every other guy he was friends with. When Elektra came barreling into his life, he used her to convince himself he was wrong. When things went south with Sweeney, Matt was back to being a victim to his own thoughts and feelings. While they’d never had sex, Elektra had helped distract Matt from the truth for a little while.

 

Now, it was back to Foggy. The longer they shared a dorm, the more Matt struggled with his feelings. Yes, he was gay. Yes, he would stop lying to himself about being straight. God would understand, wouldn’t He? After all, God had made Matt the way He thought was right, so being gay couldn’t be wrong, could it?

 

Getting drunk with Foggy was a normal occurance. Foggy would drag Matt to parties so he could be his ‘wingman’, which usually resulted in Foggy going back to the dorm of some random coed who reeked of cheap perfume and alcohol. Not that night though. That night, Foggy and Matt were drunkenly stumbling back to their own dorm, laughing like idiots.

 

The phrase ‘avocados at law’ shouldn’t have been as emotionally charged as Matt took it. For some reason, it ignited a fire in Matt’s chest so intense he almost couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. Right then, right there, he _knew_. He knew he was dangerously in love with Foggy Nelson, the man who had become his best friend. And based on Foggy’s track record with women, it was _unrequited_ , which hurt Matt more than the realization. The heartbreak he let himself feel when they got back to the dorm was nothing compared to the heartbreak he’d felt when Carter left. It was worse, so much worse. Like someone had used a superheated hammer to shatter his delicate heart into millions of pieces. If he fell asleep crying silently, that was his own business.

* * *

Matt knew he’d have to come out to Foggy eventually. Every time Foggy described how beautiful a woman was to Matt, he shifted uncomfortably and tried to change the subject. Foggy had to suspect _something,_ right?

 

The day came after graduation. Foggy and Matt had gotten shit-face drunk at a party Marci had planned, giggling and grinning like idiots. Foggy was describing one of the girls at the party in such vivid detail it made Matt’s grin falter. He decided that if he could graduate law school, he could come out to his best friend and stop being a fucking _coward_. He took a deep breath, nuzzling his face close to Foggy’s ear so only he would hear. Matt may be drunk, but he was still scared shitless.

 

“Foggy, can you stop that?” he mumbled against his neck. “It makes me uncomfortable.”

 

“Sorry, Matty! I didn’t... I thought... Shit. I really messed up, didn’t I?” Foggy rambled quietly. “Some people don’t like that kind of thing. I should’ve realized. You always change the subject, I should’ve realized being told how beautiful someone is made you uncomfortable. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” Matt muttered, not pulling away from Foggy’s neck. The alcohol in his system was giving him the energy to just say it, but his heart was still hammering in his chest. “I’d like it _more_ if you stopped describing girls and started describing guys.”

 

“Wait, you mean...?” Foggy gasped, wide-eyed.

 

“I’m gay,” Matt nodded against his skin, still quiet enough for only Foggy to hear.

 

“Shit, okay, you and me are going... somewhere to talk about this,” Foggy said quickly, peeling Matt off of him and leading him out of the house they were in and towards the nearest park. It was a short walk, during which time Matt was hyperaware of the hand gripping his arm tightly.

 

Once Foggy had settled them at a picnic table, he took a deep breath.

 

“You... you’re gay,” he muttered, more a statement than a question. “How long have you known? I’ve probably been making you uncomfortable for _years_ , buddy.”

 

“To some degree since I was 16,” Matt admitted quietly. “I refused to accept it until I was 23 though. You remember that test we did for Mikelson? The civil law test about spousal rights?” he asked rhetorically. “ _That_ forced me to accept it.”

 

“Jesus, Matt...” Foggy mumbled. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have stopped doing it if you would’ve told me.” He sounded hurt, like Matt had betrayed his trust. In a way, Matt had.

 

Matt was silent for a few minutes before he spoke, words carefully stated in a soft tone. “I was scared. I was confused. I hated myself for feeling the way I did. I thought I’d disappointed God, disappointed my father in whatever afterlife he ended up in.” His voice was breaking as he spoke, his gaze settled on the table. “I wanted to be wrong. I _wanted_ to like girls. I didn’t want to be any more different than I already am. I... didn’t want to ruin our friendship,” he finished softly, tears welling in his eyes, threatening to spill on a moment’s notice.

 

Foggy sucked in a breath at Matt’s honesty, shoulders sagging in sadness. “Matthew Murdock,” he said quietly but firmly, reaching out to place a hand over Matt’s on the table. “There is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with you, you hear me? You haven’t disappointed anyone. Not God, not your Dad. You just graudated _law school_ , for fuck’s sake. Your sexual orientation shouldn’t matter to either of them, because you’ve accomplished so much. You shouldn’t hate yourself either. You’re too awesome for that,” he rambled, squeezing Matt’s hand gently. “And Hell, I don’t care. I’m bi. I’d be a hypocrite if I stopped talking to you.”

 

“Wait, you are?” Matt said, gaze snapping up to Foggy’s fiery outline. “You... you never told me,” he muttered, his turn to sound betrayed.

 

“It... never came up,” Foggy mumbled. “I thought you knew.”

 

Matt shook his head slowly. “I had no idea.”

 

“I guess we’re both idiots then,” Foggy decided.

 

The two fell silent, Foggy’s hand sitting on top of Matt’s between them. Matt could feel the callouses and lines on Foggy’s palm as it sat on the back of his hand, commiting each one to memory in case he never got to do this again.

 

“There’s... there’s something else you should know,” Matt muttered after what felt like an eternity. “I’ve been so honest today, and so have you, so I think you deserve to know.”

 

“Is everything alright?” Foggy frowned.

 

“Yeah, uh, no,” Matt nodded, shaking his head right afterwards. “It’s just... I... really like you. God that sounds childish,” he said quickly. “What I _mean_ is, I’m very, very attracted to you. I have been for a while.”

 

Foggy didn’t talk, didn’t _breathe_ for a solid two minutes, his heart speeding up like a racehorse. When he did speak, his voice was small and so _un-Foggy_ that Matt was worried he’d said something wrong.

 

“Fuck, Matty,” Foggy began, squeezing Matt’s hand again. “We’re both fucking idiots,” he repeated, though more forcefully this time. “Dancing around each other for way too long, like some kind of messed-up ballet routine. Okay, I’m rambling,” he realized, taking a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m _very_ attracted to you too,” he said finally. “Probably since the first time you walked into the dorm.”

 

“Foggy...” Matt muttered, unsure of what else to say for a solid minute. Then, he surprised himself by asking Foggy ‘can I kiss you?’. Instead of answering, Foggy leaned in to kiss him, awkwardly and hesitantly. Matt’s last kiss had been Carter’s goodbye kiss before he left, so he was extremely out of practice. He did his best to kiss Foggy back, his free hand bracing the back of Foggy’s neck and playing with the hair at the base of his skull.

 

Foggy used his free hand to grab a handful of Matt’s shirt, pulling him closer. When the kiss broke, both men were panting and gasping for air.

 

“Fuck,” they both whispered at the same time.


End file.
